awake my soul

• Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on.
• Parents: Ok, cool.
• Me: Your luggage is outside

My dad just emailed me this huge list of puns oh my god

• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.